Fidgety Knitting

I went back and read my old blog entries. I liked my voice then. I found it funny (though I understand I am my own brand of kool-aid, not for mass consumption).  And then I read recent posts and I see a VAST difference. I thought at first it was that I haven’t been writing. But I am now wondering if some of it isn’t from my elimination of my “life” into the blog. Or at least my rants about it Life is part of what was interesting enough to have anyone reading (Paris probably didn’t hurt either). Despite what I try to convince myself about writing for me, there is a part of me that revels in knowing that someone out there is reading and relating to it too. I feed off the feedback. There it is. So I am going to insert some life back in. Hold your honchos and bear with me as I try to get back into voice with some non-identifiable in the important ways parts of the story of my life

Anyone who has been around for a while knows I work for international organisations. I can confirm these are places that Kafke’s nightmares are made of. Actually might be his wet dreams because the bureaucracy here, it goes to a whole other level that might be above Kafke’s head.  And honestly, that is being polite. I am also a consultant with said organisation, one who five years later- knows too damn much about navigation and bridges in that Kafka analogy. Being a consultant sounds nice and fancy but in reality is freelance with none of the freelance benefits and to the insiders means sub-humanoid. Yes to them I am a procured good, which makes the difference between me and a load of bricks about 10 pounds. And this irks the holy ever loving hell out of me. I have yet to put that final layer of polish on the skill of not taking the petty shit personal. Call me human.

Additionally let’s add to the fun in this equation, BLESS being in the US with a blue passport. Because even though I am not reported to IRS by the organisation I have to report myself and hand over anywhere between 35-50% of my take home to the IRS (I don’t want to risk it as a citizen). What ever dippy the shit stick that wrote the tax code so self-employed people pay twice the taxes but can’t qualify for unemployment or get reasonable insurance… Him, he ought to be frog marched out at dawn with his pants around his ankles and shot. 3 times (one for each of his valuables, never said I wasn’t vindictive!).

Now I don’t believe in complaining against that which you bought into. I bought into shite taxes, self-insuring (which sweet buttery baby jesus don’t get me started on that), no retirement planning and insecurity. I know the risks, like breaks in contracts, so I buffer against them as I can- setting my daily rate. I also know 9 out of 10 times January is going to suck great big green puss infected donkeyballs with a side effect of anxiety knitting. Over the rest of the year I save like no tomorrow. I remain relatively debt free (I have student loans but for a small amount). I work my ass off delivering my part of the bargain and then some because well that is who I am. So fuck me sideways with a chainsaw for wanting a cost of living adjustment when I change contracts and my insurance rates go up by about 17%. And when I was offered a contract (actually I was offered two which has made things a whole hell of a lot more complicated and doesn’t help negotiations ironically) on Friday I gave my rate with the same cost of living adjustment that US Social Security uses. No raise, even though if I were staff I would have more than qualified for one. And today that was blown down by HR saying I would not be granted a raise as it was for a similar job… Are you fucking kidding me?!!? A difference of not even 1% of expenditures for the project that I will be managing. Which I undoubtably merit, and did not ask for- this was cost of living only… no one can argue that prices have gone up. And because of the economy they know they can kind of do that. I know I should be happy that I will have work. Trust me on that front I am. But I don’t have to like being exploited, even if in a very indirect way I signed up for that. And that my friends is why I want to maim HR.

Hatred of HR people grows in this padowan. I am positive that the karmic build up of being an HR person for the afterlife has got to be worse than being reincarnated as a cockroach. No offense if you are an HR person, and my apologies to what your karmic reincarnation is going to put you through… But every HR person I have met, has had it coming. Seriously there is no consideration of Humans in Human Resources. I honestly think it should be taken out of their title, also maybe they should not be considered humans themselves. I understand there have to be  backstops and protection measures. But when you want to fight over something that is less than 1% of your disbursements that honestly would provide return on investment, I have to think you need to go and find out what the bolt side of a shaft feels like. Raking me over the coals when we both know I am worth the extra wee bit… well I can only say that one way or another the bad Buddhist in me hopes you get it something fierce. Like Shiva with all arms wound up at once. Cause yes it is a crappy economy out there, and you have me over a barrel (with no wrap around or lube) but one way or another it will come back and get you. Yes, believing that is the only way I can go on I guess.

I am going to take my lumps, but I am promising myself I am not going to over offer (which isn’t my way but this is to buy time not advance). I am also going to hope that this is all moot and I can tell HR to fuck themselves later next week. See in this whole clusterfuck of fun… I am also interviewing for a permanent post next week. One of the ones that will pay me more (because of tax status), give me medical and pension benefits, and oh yeah be for a “long” duration (which in international organisations is a year!). And while I know it isn’t the end all be all of jobs, I WANT it. I also stand a good chance as it is with the team I used to work for (different division) and my abilities and what I bring to the table are known and valued by the hiring manager. I stand at least a 50-50 chance and if I get it… I am going to whack it back at them I tell you. And if not… well I can still hope that the next cockroach I squish was an HR person in a previous life right??

Oh how they proved to me the righteousness of my decisions and were some of the best $12 I ever spent.

I have a habit of tolerating too much in others. Surprising I know, but it is true. And I lived with a witch, one I mistook for a friend, for a year and a half here in NYC before cutting loose of her and the insanity and negativity that she breeds, and finding myself again.

On the way out with many other revelations came the insult of her accusing me of stealing a princess duckie of hers. *I KNOW* So rather than tell the twat that NO I did NOT steal a damn $1 Oriental Trading Co. rubber duckie; I stepped above her and called her on her shit. I said I hadn’t but that I would replace it as I didn’t want to leave any unresolved strings hanging. This kinda put her in her place for how ludicrous and offensive she was… also made her look like the twat she was. She then got huffy saying NO if I hadn’t stole it then no need to replace it. I went and bought a dozen anyways and left her one of each colour as a parting gift for all the shitty treatment she pushed. Karma will always bite the ass that sits on it, her’s is sizable and she will GET IT one day, in a way that I never would want. Of that I have no doubt.

I moved on to a much better place where I became a better version of myself, my drama reduced, I got a KICK ASS roommate- who is not verbally abusive, insane or a manipulative pathological liar and tells the stories of what I put up with- she thinks I am a saint.

In my tidying of yesterday I found them… And now I want to share Princess Duckies! I think of them as my good Karma Duckies and have about 8 of them to GIVE AWAY… so if you want one leave a comment and I will private mail you to send on

It is starting to run high… I probably have one more week of waiting. I should know better given my in-depth knowledge of the Kafkaesque bureaucratic system I am dealing with, but I hit the saturation point and am now deep into the irrational. I am trying to keep calm, but the itch it is rising. The knitting it has been moving fast (Porom and Bird in Hand are both done now), but not enough to fully distract. So what does a girl do to head this off… she texts a friend and goes for a walk in the park

And then she bakes another loaf of banana bread, starts a loaf of no-knead bread, then sits down to watch Private Practice and Grey’s Anatomy so that she can cast on for Francis Revisited I need a seamless top down quickish knit. Let’s hope this is it people!

Knit Purl… Purl Knit…

Knit Purl… Purl Knit…

Rinse lather and repeat. Anyone care to hazard a guess as to what I did this morning? Why yes I went and found myself 3-4 tutorials to try and get that one step closer to a pair of finished mittens. I buggered up the first one. Looked at the second (too many words to start with) and *FINALLY* managed to get it to click with the third version, before necessitating a trip to a fourth tutorial to tell and show me the same thing. Kitchener stitch.

Unfortunately though… Unlike other mammals I have opposable thumbs. Thumbs that would prefer not to be exposed to the freezing death of NYC. So I am knitting thumbs and trying to crown the Pom-Pom hat before this evening. (Flickr Peeps seem to like the colour photo) Who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll even get to finishing that pile of sweater bits that needs to be seamed together!!

What?? It’s not too late for a Christmas Miracle, and I just found out today that the anxiety will continue AT LEAST until next week- though I sure as hell hope it will subside soon thereafter. Which means not only did I bake banana bread recently (with potentially another batch in the offing today), but I have to find other things to cook (and knit) at home for the next 5 days too!

Unfortunately though I was going to go with Ann on her suggestion for the Asymetrical Cardigan in my Silky Merino, ready to start and all! I realised I do not have enough yarn for that due to the pattern being in Malabrigo Worsted. Thus the gauge is different which could have been dealt with except the quantity of the yarn is limited as I bought it over six months ago and Malabrigo is not standard in dying… so it is a no-go Houston. Must find something else for it to become as I really don’t feel the February Lady Sweater in it any more. I also decided since there was no way in hell I was going to figure out where I was in the Lara pattern I was just going to RIP it. I have a hunch of a feeling that the Debbie Bliss Alpaca Silk will see life as a Francis Revisited some time here very soon!

It is January again, and in my neck of the woods that means knitting time, och make that anxiety knitting time! It’s like its own special corner time on the Howdy Doody Show here Anxiety knitting and baking at 2pm boys and girls!

And like every good sports season I need a line up for the anxiety knitting extravaganza that starts this week. A big part of the lineup is accessories, accessories and more (like finishing the damn minimalist cardigan)- but trust me I am going accessory happy. There should be another sock on the needles even if it is just the matching partner to the Potty Mouth the first sock maybe also the Snickety Socks, I found two skeins of Elsebeth Lavold Angora yarn that are calling out to be the Chevalier Mittens I think. Lest we forget that Pom-Pom hat that needs a crown. And guess who bought some Ultra Alpaca and Kate’s ingenious Bird in Hand pattern and is almost done except for the thumbs??. Accessories. Ahem…

And in addition to that… I want to start a sweater. I blame Ravelry for showing me patterns and then making me realize I have yarn I want to knit up and well anxiety making me not want to spend money but knit.

So sweater wise I have the below options:

1. Finish up the Lara I started around 3 years ago but stalled when I couldn’t figure out how to lengthen the body a bit. Or I could re-use the Alpaca Silk for something else?? Maybe Francis Revisited…
2. Use the Cascade 220 Heathers I have for either the Fireside Sweater or the Central Park Hoodie. Oh but WHICH??!!?
3. Knit the Chamonix Polly got for me many many moons ago at a Liberty Sale into the Drops A-line jacket.
4. Take the Malabrigo Silky Merino I got this summer and knit it into a sweater (previsioned for the February Lady Sweater but I am still wondering… saw this on Ravelry and maybe??)
or
5. Take the Baby Cashmerino in chartreuse  I now want to trade to change colours and instead knit up Coraline in it??

If anyone is out there… Chime in tell me what you think! Will those sweaters look horrid on me? Should I go with crazy inducing cables, profanity laden lace or stockinette with much wine? Hold on Howdy Doody… there is anxiety knitting to be done

The anxiety from the challenges of my work (treated like freelance with none of the freelance benefits) is related to having faith that you’ll be able to find work. I knew I’d saved enough to counterbalance this, I’d look for work and had found work in the past, and chances are I’ll have work next week- but it is still anxiety inducing… *NOTHINGNESS* is usually my response of first action. And I have to tell you that internal conversations abound when you are sitting in the midst of *NOTHINGNESS* (especially when you nicked yourself cutting the matte for a hanging you FINALLY wanted to get up in your room so you aren’t knitting today as you wait out this week of anxiety). In catching up on my blog reading and baking the above muffins, I saw that over at Real Simple they asked what are the 10 things you can’t live without.

This year I am in a better place anxiety-wise… It wasn’t personal, I’d planned for it, and possibilities look brighter than last time. But that said I have realised I am not feeling much connected with me. So as I try to take time to slow down and evaluate where I am in life- you know what’s working, what’s not; I saw this question as something to try and jump start me to reconnect with me. Create new possibilities and visions by knowing what is important to me and focusing my energy and intentions on that. Getting rid of clutter to be surrounded only by things that I love and are meaningful or beneficial to me, and living simply are pretty ambitious goals for this year in which I want to appreciate more, acquire less and aspire higher.

So I took the challenge. Here are my 10.

1. Family and Friends: this one sums most of it up and there is a good reason it is first! My “home” is not a home without them…

2. My camera: it is my vision of the world and my memories of life that I hold dear.

3. Pictures of Abuela and me: they go everywhere with me. She still is my everything.

4. Books: I need to read. Sure I could say the internet, but I am old school at heart and love sticking my nose in a book.

5. Dairy: I know sounds ridiculous but it is best not to get between me and my cows. Seriously if I call friends cranky, their first question 95% of the time- when did you last have dairy (followed quickly by a when did you last have sugar :)).

6. Computer: sure I know I don’t need it to read, but I do use it to watch things, connect with my friends, process and store my photos and life without Google is unrememberable.

7. Passport: I am a restless spirit much of the time and find myself in my travels. I don’t want to live without traveling.

8. Ocean: Ummm can anyone say water baby?? Just seeing it can calm my frayed nerves. Tossing myself into it allows me to lose myself in it. Swimming in it takes the edge away. Water it is my friend.

9. Lipgloss/Chapstick: I have to have something on my lips at all times. It can be any combination or whatever of the two but I need to have my lips moist.

10. Tie… moisturizers of which I am addicted as well as knitting which helps drag me through my stress with out me stabbing others

And lots of episodes of Lost (all caught up), minimalist cardigan all blocked, and one Bird in Hand Mitten down, one to go.

I have needed to recharge my batteries for a while. I ran headstrong toward empty over the past 3 months, and that meant that I honestly have been a vegetable for the past 5 days. I listened to rain and watched some snow. I had dinner with one friend and went out for drinks and dinner with another visiting friend. But otherwise my friends, I have been in my pyjamas in bed or on a sofa doing a whole lot of “nothing.” And short of a run to the 7-11 for milk and poptarts (why is it I *ONLY* ever crave them when I am in a 7-11??) I have not left my apartment. Except for looking out my window.

And I am not ashamed of it. Normally I would be- free time like this and I should be “doing” something with it. It is pretty out why not enjoy it? But I feel better haven taken this time as my NOTHINGNESS time, and it is giving me the time to take care of small things around the flat, to rejuvenate, and to just be for a little while.

Sometimes that is what we need to do to get back in touch with the us parts of things that make us who and what we are…

No I don’t know why I am “sing songing” that in my head but I am. Well ok I kind of know.

Ravelry has provoked inspired me a doozie… Before the New Year I was bored and I surfed, surfed and surfed to my hearts content through any and everyone’s rainbow full of links. Filling up my favorites and queue to bulging ends that tore at the seams of the internet.

Then I decided I was going to rIng in the New Year right. In addition to my whole brand of feng shui and its urgent need to clean up and out to “create” something for myself, I decided I wanted to extend that to knitting too. So New Year’s Day I started to archive and document my stash for Ravelry (I have also blocked the minimalist cardigan sleeves and fronts- go me!). Comparatively I know my stash is small, but much of it is “one ball wonders” and well it is big by my perception.

While documenting things I started to get very itchy. Depsite having other projects going and wanting to myself to a one project one focus kind of place… I *NEEDED* to put something on the needles.

Enter Porom. I started at 10pm on New Years Day and well all I have to do is do the crown decreases (which the first time around trying didn’t line up and did my head in…) and the Pom-Pom hat be done. Might even succeed in doing it with out running out of yarn making a one ball wonder (Elsebeth Lavold Silky Wool) into an FO!

09 has gotten pretty damn big in the viewfinder, don’t ask me how but it has. Yup It’s that time of year again. I’m supposed to look to the future with introspective thoughs. Make resolutions. Count my blessings. Try to breathe through the New Year anxiety for the 3rd year in a row. Write some kind of list, maybe?

Right now, I am trying to get myself to believe that the beginning of the year is exciting as part of a renewal cycle. And regardless of how that cycle is timed (does anyone think the squirrels knew or cared it was “the new year”?), I want to use this renewal it to shift my perspective. View this as a chance to dump what is not working for me, and change to “make it work” in the inimitable words of Tim Gunn.

This hasn’t lead me off any deep edge towards making the resolutions we all know, love and break. But I am thinking. Despite the grinch season again, this has been a good year (made a savings nest, spent time with friends, travelled interesting places) but I don’t really think I am where I want to be. And worse I am complacent with no poker under my derriere to get me moving- excepting myself.

While I have my 101 in 1001 as tangible, deliverable changes in my life… what about some of the bigger picture things? One of my close friends Whitney has spent this year asking me- What do I want? I can barely muster an answer of what I dont wan’t half the time. And that isn’t too good in my books.

Sure no one can anticipate where life takes them, but having fluid goals has become an enticing idea lately. What do I want to commit myself to and follow through with? What are my intentions that I can use as a way to move me from here to there through life. Life that continues in that never ending circle. I say circle because what I have realised lately is that there is never an obvious place to make a change.  Which is what I want. A when this happens then that. Isn’t there a beginning and end spot that is somehow important? But what I am more and more realising is that life doesn’t work that way. Things keep going, excuses keep being found, and well how much does that all really matter?

I dont know. But I do want to have some wants. So I have sat down and thought about them. And this is what I came up with- they are pretty simple, somewhat cliched but they were what came to mind… I want to be happy. I want to feel passionate about something. I want to have a voice. I want to be challenged. I want to travel. I want to grow. I want to make my well being a priority. I want to find balance. I want to learn to trust myself and my instincts with out worrying my way through every step of my life. I want to work on creating a life and environment that supports me and is less cluttered with things I don’t need. I want to have better time-management, focus, and discipline.

Don’t ask me where I go from here, but you know it is the start of a new circle and I think I am ready to spin on it

In the meantime- I wish each of you a beautiful year filled with health, happiness and the chance to follow your hopes, joys and wants.

101 in 1001 revisions!

Purchase (10/101)

1. Treat myself to a massage or a facial once a year
2. Buy a Lomo camera
   
3. Buy one piece of art
4. Buy fresh flowers for my room once a month for a year
   
5. Buy a new “professional” set of luggage
6. Buy one piece of investment furniture 
7. Get a subscription to National Geographic Traveller, New Yorker, Economist
8. Buy an antique map of Paris and frame it
9. Buy a new DSLR upgrade (I own a new toy now!)
10. Find and buy one pair of killer jeans

Health (15/101)

1. Run/Participate in a 5k, 10k, and half marathon
2. Participate in an olympic distance triathalon
3. 30 day trial… bikram yoga 3 times a week
4. Visit a nutritionist/naturopath
5. Do a master body cleansing/fast/colonic

Travel (31/101)

1. Rent a beach house for a getaway
2. Go surfing in Costa Rica or Hawaii
3. Visit 3 national parks (i.e. Antelope Canyon, Grand Canyon, Muir Woods, Yosemite, Moab, The Arches, Grand Tetons, Zion)
4. Take a working vacation at a winery in the south of France
5. Play in the tulips in Netherlands and Skagit Valley
6. Visit 10 friends
7. Rent a convertible and go on a road trip
8. Do an Ashram in India or Bali
9. Camp out in Wadi Rum
10. Climb up Macchu Picchu
11. Visit a buddhist temple in a buddhist country
12. Watch an opera at La Scala and a ballet at Opera Garnier
13. See the northern lights in Iceland
14. Go to Ireland
15. Go on a crazy Thelma Louise girls trip
16. Stay in a luxurious 5 star hotel

Finance (42/101)

1. Work to better credit score (by 50-100 points)
2. Contribute at least 50% of max out to my Roth IRA annually (approx. $2000-2500) (done 2007, 2008)
3. Create, maintain and track my budget for one year 
4. Pay off all credit cards and maintain zero balances
5. Save $5 for 1001 days
6. Do my taxes annually (done 2007, 2008)
7. Invest in retirement and net worth (10% of income)
8. Pay off 25% of remaining student loans (revised pay off 25% of remaining student loans)
9. Invest in socially responsible mutual funds (2% of income)
10. Get a major credit card: use and pay of in full monthly
11. Save $10000 towards a major investment (purchase of property etc)

Learning (53/101)

1. Take a photography course on light and flash
2. Learn how to fly the trapeze
3. Take an intensive Spanish language course in Spain
4. Get my a scuba diving certification
5. Learn how to drive a Vespa
6. Take a wine tasting course
7. Learn how to dye yarn
8. Learn more about buddhism
9. Research travel photography and writing
10. Take skiing lessons in the Alps
11. Learn 5 Photoshop tricks

Reading (59/101)

1. Go to 3 book readings
2. Read 6 classics and 5 works pre- 1950
3. Read a banned book, a booker book, a pulitzer prize book
4. Read the Tao Te Ching
5. Read 3 biographies per year
6. Enter all my books into Library Thing
   

Creativity (69/101)

1. Design my blog
2. Do a photographic travel/documentary project 
3. Knit three sweaters for myself
4. Document all my yarn stash (not exactly ALL but the documenting is done)
   
5. Print 10 of my photos for framing and hanging 
6. Keep a film and book list
7. Sell 5 photos
8. Participate in Sunday scribbles
9. Go to the cinema once a month
10. Make a quotes book

Gastronomy (74/101)

1. Go berry picking
2. Eat at 12 new restaurants- one three star
3. Make dinner for myself at home once a month
4. Throw a dinner party for 8 friends
5. Try 6 new foods and 6 foods I “dont like” 

Career (77/101)

1. Take GRE Course and Exam (1350 score goal) 
2. Apply to 10 PhD programmes
3. Work on creating a career path

Do (101/101)

1. Go galopping on a horse out in the free range
2. Participate in some volunteer/public service project (maybe dealing with sexual health or at a soup kitchen)
3. Go canoeing in Central Park
4. Watch one classic movie per month 
5. Go to a live music festival
6. Go to Shakespeare in the Park
7. Meditate for 5 minutes 3 times a week
8. Purge my wardrobe (at least 30%)
   
9. Attend a meditation retreat (5+ days)
10. Go snowshoeing
11. Get rid of 101 things
12. Consolidate and reduce my storage needs and use
13. Go to the HCB museum in Paris
14. Reduce my carbon footprint (by 10-20%)
15. Donate “one meal out” per month to a Food Bank
16. Spend 5 minutes daily in total silence and inactivity for a month
17. Visit my grandmother and father’s graves and take flowers
18. Go to an outdoor movie
19. Live in a new city in 1001 days
20. Hang my mirror, shelves and frames
21. Trace my Irish geneology
22. See a broadway play
23. Preserve my family photos
24. Go to a museum once every other month 

I present the below.

Sure it is a weekend after two weeks of work KICKING my ass something major, (I will be spending Thanksgiving in Qatar, trying to resist the urge to one impale myself on something dull because yet again someone doesn’t want to do something simple that would make work run smoother, but more importantly trying not to ask for Thanksgiving Camel for dinner- you might guess how I feel about this work trip…), with at least another week to go… As well as a weekend in which I have spent a better part of my time seeing how well my mattress and I can meld- despite hygienic concerns.

Sure it is me making a patented scrunchy face… But seriously being polite, I look like a bag of skittles blew up on me. Go on, TRY and tell me otherwise. Double dog dare you…

And yes ummmmm my face is a bit descriptive. I am not exactly good at hiding what I think, and I am currently unsure of this knit on my head. I have been knitting on Gretel (Claudia convinced me I should… and it really is a lovely pattern) as a means of avoidance. Why yes I do anxiety and avoidance knitting. I know I should see a knitting therapist. I am not sure if it is going to end up being toooooo big (I did the slouchy version, thinking MAYBE I could pull it off all cute and what not). Will have to see if I can finish the crown tonight and decide If not it may be plane knitting not like I dont have 15 hours or so on the way to Qatar…